Burton Cole

With age comes wisdom. That’s the rumor, anyway.

I, for one, have never been this old, therefore, I have never been so full of wisdom as I am full of it now. Or full of something. Chocolate chip cookies, most likely.

To quote the great philosopher Robert Paul, “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.”

No, wait, I AM wiser. I know, because I’m older. I know I’m older, because it’s a new year. The calendar says so.

It’s my great wisdom that allows me to quote the great philosopher Anonymous, who observed, “New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendars.”

Makes sense to me.

So allow me, as your wise guru, to share some of the wisdom of the ages. Or at least some things various Great Philosophers have opined over the years that seemed to make sense at the time.

• “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” — Charlie Brown

• “I can’t wait to control-alt-delete 2024 and start anew.” — anonymous

• “To our New Year: we hope you arrive with decadent midnight snacks hidden inside conveniently placed pillowcases.” — anonymous

• “Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.” — anonymous

• “May the new year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue so that I triumph even when I fall.” — Aleister Crowley

• “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask about my New Year’s resolutions.” — anonymous

• “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average … which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.” — Jay Leno

• “New Year Resolutions 1. To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging. 2. To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” — James Agate

• “I was going to resolve to think twice before saying something, but then I thought… why?” — anonymous

• “This year, my resolution is to remember what my resolutions are!” — anonymous

• “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.” — anonymous

• “I start out with good intentions but by mid-January, the list will be stuck to my cheek because I napped on it as I watched fit people exercise on cable TV.” — Nia Vardalos

• “This New Year’s, I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until Jan. 2.” — Melanie White

• “I will quit procrastinating…at some point this year.” — anonymous

• “May your New Year’s resolutions last longer than your holiday leftovers.” — anonymous

• “Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst … Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!” — Ogden Nash

• “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” — Bill Vaughan

• “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” — Bill Vaughan

• “New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.” — Charles Lamb

• “Cheers to remembering to write ‘2025’ instead of ‘2024’ by April.”

• “Wishing you a year full of success, unless it’s my turn to win.”

• “May your new year bring less drama than a group chat during election season.”

• “Say yes to new adventures with friends and remain open to completely acceptable day naps in exciting places.” — anonymous

• “Here’s to another year of pretending we know what we’re doing. Cheers to 2025!” — anonymous

Happy New Year, folks! May you be full of it, too. Wisdom, I mean. Or chocolate chip cookies.

Send your best resolutions, broken or otherwise, to Cole at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.